I've never had anything good to say about the Zelda games. Since the beginning of time I have beat a total of 2 Zelda games: Zelda 2 - The Adventure of Link (mario+elves+shooting sword - who the fuck didn't love this game) and Four Swords (had to justify the purchase of the gba link cable... and I got to call io_burn a "loot-whoring faggot" which is always a plus.) Every other game (yes, I own all of them) has been given the standard 3 hours of play before it is inevitably shelved. Those play-throughs are, I imagine, quite similar to spending a night in bed with me (3 hours of boredom followed by no climax.) That is until the fucking Wii showed up. But I'm getting ahead of myself... let me go back a few weeks.
On the nights that I don't have to get up at the ass-crack of dawn (8:20) I sit on the couch with my roommate Aaron. We watch Music HD (in the hopeless attempt to sneak a peak at Kelly Clarkson's midriff is that
fucking incredible outfit from that video where she is singing in the forest) while we sit on our apple laptops scouring the internet for nerd news. On the night in question I stumbled upon this bad-ass scripting
program that trumped Final Draft (to which I have been a slave to for years) and was free.
You see kids, I'm writing a game. Writing may not be the appropriate verb for the activity I have been spending the last 5 years doing (procrastinating may be better) but that is neither here nor there. I bought Final Draft 6 way back when I thought that I may actually finish something and, shortly there after, Final Draft 7 came out so I upgraded. I spent a lot of money. Now, years later, I stumble across Celtx. Its Final Draft on steroids and its free.
THIS IS WHAT I NEED TO MOTIVATE MYSELF TO FINISH THIS GAME - I NEED TO CONVERT NOW! There is only one problem: where, in my busy schedule, will I find the time?
While the obvious answer is "during the time you are sitting in front of the tv hoping to catch some Clarkson Belly Button" but it isn't that easy... for me. I need to set time and a goal. I also can't set a series of goals because that becomes far too overwhelming and I will end up watching House instead. So, baby steps. Turkey day is coming and I would be at my parents house with no video games. It's perfect. My first goal: Print out what I have written so far (about 70 pages), edit it by hand, and then begin to transcribe them. I figure I have about 5 hours between the Turkey Day Movie (For Your Consideration - for those of you interested) and the dinner itself. I should be half way done with my goal which will, in turn, motivate me to finish it and get back to writing on this new program (which, in my mind, is going to be amazing.) I spend the next week getting excited about writing again. The ideas start to flow again. The floodgates open. I start listening to new and interesting music for scene inspiration. This is going to be it. I'm going to make this fucker.
Then, the Wii launches.
Have you played this fucking thing?
I have. Hell, in this house alone we have 4 of the motherfuckers. We are starting a goddamned Wii bowling league. It's amazing. And what launched with this amazing system? A Zelda game.
Have I told you about my relationship with Zelda?
Turkey Day Eve rolls around and I head to the parents to eat dinner with the fam. It's nice, we had take out Indian Food, it's pretty damn good, I highly recommend it. After dinner, I don't feel so hot. Not my stomach (fuck you Indian Food Nay-sayers) I just feel shitty. It could be the fact I was working off 4 hours of sleep but it doesn't feel like that. So I say "I'm going to go home and take a nap, pack, feed cat, and then head back over here at some ungodly hour to sleep for a few hours before I begin the trek back to writing. After my 4 hour nap I am left with an empty house and a cat who is starved for attention. So I sit down on the couch and turn on the TV while the cat takes up residence on my lap. Of course, it being midnight, there is precisely dick on. So what is a boy to do?
Well, I could do the three hours of Zelda and get that out of the way. I figure the case will look more prestigious with dust covering it anyway and I have a sweet spot for it on my shelf (between Four Swords and Wind Waker.) I do this now and I could be asleep at my parents house by 3:30 with a full day of editing ahead of me. Fuck it. Lets strap on the Wiimote and fucking do this.
And then it was 8:30am.
How could this be? Eight and a half hours? This is a fucking Zelda game. You've played one, you've played them all. Young no name kid goes on errand only to be swept up in an epic story involving an ultimate evil who, of course, turns out to be Gannon(dorf.) Whooptie-Shit. There is a reason the 3 hour rule exists. Why, the fuck, would I go almost three times as long for this game? Is it the Wii? Is it the story? What is it?
It's really fucking good. I'm 30 hours in standing at the gates of the 2nd to last dungeon and I couldn't be more enthralled.
What lies in the wake of the cruel bitch named Zelda is that I missed the movie (mom said I could sleep because she loves me more than she loves Christopher Guest Comedies) and only edited about 10 pages. And I'm still not done with the game. But, goddamnit, I will be. Then, only time will tell if I get back on the horse.
I can assure you of one thing though. Regardless as to how great this game is I know there is still one truth I can hold on to. No matter how much fun I have... I'm still better than Link in the sack.
You can bank on that shit.
